“Sounds to me like you’re looking for a movie romance,” he said to me. I was explaining to him what I want that I wasn’t getting from him: a spark that is exciting, romantic and passionate. And that was his response. In truth, he’s not wrong. I do want the movie romance, but I want a lot more than that too. Which is why I broke it off with him.
Last year, I decided, was going to be “the year of single.” And like every other year of my life, it was. I may have started dating, but I never really left the zone of being single because I was never fully committed to anyone outside of myself. What’s funny is that when I set out on my “year of single,” I was hoping to tip the universe off that I was secure enough in myself to date someone. But what dating someone for the first time ever taught me is that I don’t really want to date right now. Throughout the month (lol) that we saw each other, I kept thinking to myself how much I didn’t want this, how much I don’t want to settle down right now or maybe ever, and how much I truly love being single. Being with him, I missed being single, and I never thought I could miss this.
The year of single was intended to be the year in which I actively decided to be single because I never had before. I can say that I saw that resolution this week when I broke it off with the guy I was seeing. Despite the fact that he is a good guy, it wasn’t enough to make me want to be anything but single.
What I’ve found is that single is a chosen relationship status like any other. For so long, single felt like it was supposed to be a state of waiting, waiting for someone to come around and finally choose me. But that’s not what it is. Single is about cultivating love, like the other statuses. It’s just about cultivating self-love, and what dating has taught me is that if that relationship is not the quality of Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby, then I don’t want it. And that is intensely liberating.