When I decided to get with you two years ago, the word that convinced me we could be a match was “opportunity”. You don’t know how hard I’ve held on to that hope that maybe the opportunities you boast of would come to some fruition. But every day I spend with you, it becomes harder and harder to have anything to do with you. I was never in love with, and now I don’t think I ever could be. You’re toxic; I keep fighting for you and I keep losing. Maybe what they’ve been saying is right: maybe I do need to leave you, for my safety and what remains of my education and passion. Despite what they say I keep holding on to the idea that one day this might get better, that one day you’ll become the university I believed you could be and the university I need you to be. But it gets harder and harder to believe in you. Regardless, I keep fighting for you. The trouble is I can’t figure out if I’m fighting for you or for me. Am I fighting because I just don’t want to deal with the baggage and difficulty of leaving you or am I fighting because I actually want to continue whatever it is we have? I hate trying to defend you to my parents when they say, “there’s Mizzou’s good old pride again, fucking shit up as usual” and awkwardly laughing it off, or saying that you’re just misunderstood or misguided. I’m starting to wonder if it’s you who’s misguided or me for continuing to believe we could make this work. I think I just said it; I shouldn’t have to make this work. I’m just about over it Mizzou. I see other options and they all sound better than you, and every time I see or hear of another one, they all sound better than this. I don’t know if this is it yet or not Mizzou because I still have it in me to believe in you, even if that tears me apart inside. I don’t know what’s best for me at this point, my tiger, but I don’t want you to be shocked if at some point I decide that it might not be you.
With all due respect,