Decisions, Decisions

All my life, I’ve always wanted to grow up. I’ve always looked forward to being an adult. But I think, had I known the gritty details of what that meant, I wouldn’t have romanticized it in my dreams nearly as much.

With growing up, there are an indescribable amount of decisions to be made. Small, large, irrelevant, important, they come in all kinds. Maybe it’s my age, but all the decisions feel large and important, even if I know they really are mostly insignificant in the long run. I think all these decisions all at once are just so overwhelming. Even more, I think I just don’t know where to start with trying to figure out what I’d even want to do with my life. There are so many options and so many choices, and that’s a very good thing. But it can also be a sad thing because there are so many things I want to do. But I wonder now if I might not be happy doing those things I think I might love. Only lovely in my mind, but in reality not quite as much. Since I can’t try everything out before I get to do it, I kind of have to just close my eyes and jump into something to begin with.

In losing sight of what career I want, something my identity has always been tied to, I am reevaluating everything I thought I knew about myself. Who am I without a career to center my life around? Who am I when my aspiring job title is not how I can describe myself? Who is that Micki? That’s what I’m having to figure out now. What do I want in my personal life? Who do I want in my social life? What is going to make my life colorful and pleasantly interesting? What kind of career will make me truly satisfied? What will my life look like the day I wake up and feel so spectacularly lucky to be in this life?

In all of this, I feel like I am learning that there is more to life than just a career, which is something of a breakthrough for me. Ever since the third grade when I realized that not everybody gets somebody to love romantically, I switched my focus to being about making sure I found myself in a career I am happy in, since I can have more control over that. After all, you can’t make somebody fall in love with you. Since then, I have been focused on the dream career, whatever that has meant throughout my life, and hoping that love might find me. But I think what I’m finding out about myself in all of this is that I do think I really want that romanticism for myself, as much as I don’t want to act like I want it. Which now has me thinking about what I want in my personal life, which is something I’ve only ever dreamed about but not thought seriously about.

Bottom line: I still don’t know what I want. But I have embraced being alone at sea with no land in sight, and am ready to sail this journey with my eyes wide open.

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