Can I be honest with you? Okay, good. Here’s the thing, I am confused on every level. I mean physically emotionally, mentally, academically, professionally, personally, cosmically. Every level. And you should know, that I’m shocked by the magnitude of this confusion. Look, I realize this is a “totally normal” thing to go through, questioning all of the life decisions before you and all that jazz. But let me tell you, being told it’s normal or that I’ll figure it out eventually helps me none. I don’t care if every person who has ever walked the face of the planet has gone through what I’m going through; that knowledge doesn’t put me any closer to my own answer. Because the truth is, no other Micki Wagner has ever walked the face of the earth and gone through this up until now.
Just this confusion has me really bummed out. I mean I lack just about all motivation, even the motivation to finish Supernatural on Netflix. I mean come on! Not just that but I even feel burdened by writing, which is not normal for me. Honestly, even Friday’s Fascinations feels phoned in most of the time, which is why I’ve been unmotivated to write it lately. I just want to be very honest. That and I want to feel excited by something again because I rarely feel excited about my life as of lately, even the future, which used to be something I always felt very optimistic about. And I think I know some of the issue.
I’ve been reading about success and how other people define it. What I’ve discovered is that my old definition of success was something I had convinced myself I wanted. But I’m beginning to wonder if the dream I had before I started in on this existential crisis was a dream I concocted because it was what I believed success was supposed to be- a six-figure salary, a company of your own, doing everything that related to your field- instead of what I actually would deem success in my own words. So now, not only do I have to figure out my life path still, but I also have to redefine success. Now, the way I’ve been redefining success for myself would be happiness of course. So then, what makes me happy? The truth is, I don’t know. I come back to a lot of the same themes, the same things I like, such as food, writing, fashion, music, reading magazines, watching Netflix. But for right now I think the best thing I can do is keep my mind and my eyes open, because in redefining success, I am opening myself up to what could be very different from what I always thought I wanted.