Can I be honest with you? Okay, good. Here’s the thing, I am confused on every level. I mean physically emotionally, mentally, academically, professionally, personally, cosmically. Every level. And you should know, that I’m shocked by the magnitude of this confusion. Look, I realize this is a “totally normal” thing to go through, questioning all of the life decisions before you and all that jazz. But let me tell you, being told it’s normal or that I’ll figure it out eventually helps me none. I don’t care if every person who has ever walked the face of the planet has gone through what I’m going through; that knowledge doesn’t put me any closer to my own answer. Because the truth is, no other Micki Wagner has ever walked the face of the earth and gone through this up until now.
Just this confusion has me really bummed out. I mean I lack just about all motivation, even the motivation to finish Supernatural on Netflix. I mean come on! Not just that but I even feel burdened by writing, which is not normal for me. Honestly, even Friday’s Fascinations feels phoned in most of the time, which is why I’ve been unmotivated to write it lately. I just want to be very honest. That and I want to feel excited by something again because I rarely feel excited about my life as of lately, even the future, which used to be something I always felt very optimistic about. And I think I know some of the issue.
I’ve been reading about success and how other people define it. What I’ve discovered is that my old definition of success was something I had convinced myself I wanted. But I’m beginning to wonder if the dream I had before I started in on this existential crisis was a dream I concocted because it was what I believed success was supposed to be- a six-figure salary, a company of your own, doing everything that related to your field- instead of what I actually would deem success in my own words. So now, not only do I have to figure out my life path still, but I also have to redefine success. Now, the way I’ve been redefining success for myself would be happiness of course. So then, what makes me happy? The truth is, I don’t know. I come back to a lot of the same themes, the same things I like, such as food, writing, fashion, music, reading magazines, watching Netflix. But for right now I think the best thing I can do is keep my mind and my eyes open, because in redefining success, I am opening myself up to what could be very different from what I always thought I wanted.
It’s probably not news that I haven’t been very active on here in the last couple of weeks, but boy, has it been a busy couple of weeks. For starters, I was finishing my freshman year of college with exams and such (on which I got an “A” and two “B”s, in case you were wondering) and packing up and moving out of my dorm, which was all very surreal. I felt weirdly attached to my dorm when I started packing everything up. I mean, I spent the last ten months saying that I couldn’t wait to get out of there, but then when the time came I was a little sad about it. I think it’s because I know I’ll probably never have an experience like living in a dorm again, as it was somewhere between living in the Big Brother house and competing in the Hunger Games. Regardless, I am all moved out now and back home. So that’s that. You’re all caught up now.
Quote of the Week: “I don’t have any reasons, I left them all behind. I’m in a New York State of Mind.” New York State of Mind by Billy Joel
In the ongoing saga of my existential crisis, I have been reading a lot of articles about people who do really cool jobs and how they got into doing what they do. My favorite article I’ve read so far is called “Why I Gave Up a $95,000 Job to Move to an Island and Scoop Ice Cream” by Noelle Hancock. Intrigued, I read it. And my god, it was so eye-opening in that inspiring way. It’s written by a woman who is a Yale grad who works as a writer and lives that corporate life in that, making almost six-figures, something most people would declare successful. But she realizes she is unhappy at her desktop and decides to move to the smallest U.S. Virgin Island St. John, where she takes a job scooping ice cream for $10 an hour. But she loves it. In doing this, she realizes there is a whole lifestyle people, now like her, have where they up and move whenever they feel like it and work odd jobs in wonderful places which allows them to travel around the world like a nomad. It’s a concept they don’t sell you in college- the idea that you can live a thousand lives in one. Mostly because college makes money off the idea that you will forever work toward one goal, and that will be the end-all-be-all.
In other news, I also rediscovered a song from Drake’s Take Care album called The Real Her ft. Lil Wayne and Andre 3000. It’s such a chill hip-hop song that also has a cool message of the hardships of finding real love when you’ve made a career out of being a rich and famous playboy. I really love Drake and in particular the Take Care album, but this song might be my favorite off the album.
This week I also rediscovered my girlish love for NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye Music Video. It’s such a fun music video full of theatrics, classic boyband synchronized dancing, and a high-speed getaway. Need I say more?
And that’s another week on the books. Have a lovely week!